


dancing through our house (with the ghost of you)

by hazthecoconut



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Drama, Flashbacks, Hurt, I'm bad at tags, Liam is Louis' best friend, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Memories, Mpreg Harry, Post Mpreg, Sadness, Violence, harry died, widower louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 07:32:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15480732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazthecoconut/pseuds/hazthecoconut
Summary: ’I-I miss mommy…’’, the little boy said and teared up a bit. He looked around and sniffled, then decided to sit down next to Louis and scrunched up his nose.’’I do too…’’, he said.’’I do too..’’.harry is gone and louis is left alone with his son now. it's hard.





	dancing through our house (with the ghost of you)

Harry and Louis used to be the big dream team. A smart college and a footballer, both of them utterly in love. Louis and Harry married soon and built a family. They had a wonderful son. Louis’ whole word consisted of Harry and their son and Louis’ whole world crashed when the god above took his Harry from him. Ever since that, he sought for comfort in alcohol - the beverage that made him forget. Forget about this awful situation and forget about Harry. But his green eyes haunted him. Whenever he tried to sleep at night, he saw **them.**

 

’’Daddy, can we go visit mommy today?’’, he heard Nicholas' - his son’s - voice. He wanted to go to the graveyard again. Louis looked at him and nodded quickly.’’Y-yes, of course.’’, he said and Nicholas smiled, hopping away.

 

Louis teared up and sniffled, texting Liam to inform him that they’re going to visit Harry. Harry. Fuck. He sniffled and looked down at his phone again, opening a picture of his Hazza and staring at the picture with sad eyes. _How could this world be so cruel and take his only love away from him?,_ he wondered every day.

 

He stood up and walked into the kitchen, taking a new beer can. Louis wiped his eyes and sighed, opening the can and chugged it down. Biting his lip, he grabbed another can, just sipping on it. He pressed his back against the wall and teared up more, sliding down and sniffling, sitting down on the floor while he cried.

 

Louis looked down and then Nicholas walked in again, holding onto his teddy bear. He sat down in front of his father and frowned worriedly.’’Papa, you okay?’’, he asked softly.’’Yeah, I am!’’, Louis snapped out of nowhere, then widened his eyes when he realized that he got too loud. Nicholas flinched a bit and frowned at his dad’s action. Louis gasped and put a hand over his mouth. He knows he’s not okay.

 

‘’I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…’’, he whispered and caressed his son’s cheek. Nicholas understood. He’s actually too young to understand, but he does. Sadly, he’s used to it now.

 

‘’I-I miss mommy…’’, the little boy said and teared up a bit. He looked around and sniffled, then decided to sit down next to Louis and scrunched up his nose.’’Your apple juice smells yucky…’’.’’I—’’, Louis looked down at the can in his hands. Louis teared up at his words. _I shouldn’t be crying when my son’s here_ , he thought to himself. He looked at Nicholas and sniffled.’’I do too…’’, he said and nodded in agreement.

 

’’I do too..’’.

 

 

When they went to the graveyard that afternoon, Louis already started tearing up. Every damn time when he came here, it made him realize even more that he will never see Harry again. Sometimes he wondered, what he must’ve done to deserve this. What has he done wrong?

 

Nicholas saw Harry’s tombstone and walked towards it, holding his father’s hand.’’Look, mommy is waiting for us.’’, he said. Those words made Louis even more sentimental. Yes, because he will be waiting here for us for a long time…

 

Louis watched as his son caressed the tombstone and smiled a bit, sniffling. He didn’t even really listen to what his son was saying. It was the usual, most of it was stories from his school and what he learned yet. He was learning so quickly. Louis was very proud of his son.

 

After a while, Louis realized he has been crying the whole time. He swiftly wiped away the tears and his son looked up. When Nicholas saw him crying, he stared at his face.

 

’’Papa, don’t cry! Superheroes don’t cry.’’, he said and smiled. He hugged Louis’ side. Fuck, he’s so cute. Louis hugged him tightly, sobbing and tightening his grip a tad.’’I love you so much… don’t forget that.’’, he said and cupped Nicholas’ little face.’’I’m really sorry.’’. Nicholas frowned and looked at his crying father, begging him to calm down.

 

When they arrived home, Louis quickly texted Liam to come over. Nicholas looked at Louis with curious eyes.

 

Louis grabbed another can and chugged it again. Nicholas hated those cans. But the doorbell rang then, interrupting Nicholas’ thoughts. He ran to the door and opened it, always hoping that maybe his mummy would stand there again. It was uncle Liam though, who bent down to hug the small boy.’’Papa’s crying again…’’, he whispered and teared up.

 

Liam sighed and pressed a kiss on Nicholas' head before heading into the kitchen to see Louis grabbing another can. The brown-eyed man sighed and grabbed it from his best friend, who looked up at him now, wiping his eyes.’’Louis. Stop it. Your son isn’t supposed to see you drunk, isn’t he?’’, he asked and Louis shook his head, looking at the floor in shame. Liam sighed again and asked quietly, ’‘Did he eat something today?’’, gesturing over at Nicholas, who walked into the kitchen and hugged his dad’s leg.

 

’’Fuck..’’, Louis whispered and quickly looked down at Nicholas. He caressed his son’s cheek and shook his head.’’N-no…’’, he said and looked at Liam, feeling embarrassed.’’Cook him something then, I’ll help you.’’, Liam said and looked inside the fridge. But all he could see was beer cans, an old pizza, and some mac n cheese.’’I’ll go grocery shopping for you, but it’ll do for now..’’, he grabbed the mac n cheese and handed it to Louis.’’Just put it in the microwave for 4 minutes.’’, he said and Louis nodded.

 

Louis looked down at Nicholas and bit his lip. He put the mac n cheese in a bowl and then into the microwave. Hoping his child wouldn’t smell his breath, he kissed Nicholas’ head and held his side.

 

He was about to grab his opened can, but then saw his son just standing there, holding his teddy bear and he felt sad. Nicholas looked up at him, frowning and looking so much like his mother.

 

 

Liam walked around and cleaned up the house a bit, doing laundry for Louis, while Louis was blowing on the food, not wanting Nicholas to burn his mouth. He put the spoon up to his lips and smiled softly.’’I hope it isn’t burnt.’’, he said and forced a chuckled out of himself. Louis looked at Nicholas with soft eyes and was how his son hesitated to put that in his mouth. But then, he took it and chewed slowly. Louis felt awful, seeing his son forcing himself to eat stuff like that just because Louis won’t have the courage to leave the house after… what happened.

 

Nicholas held onto his teddy bear while eating and his father grabbed his can from earlier now, drinking it up. He already felt a bit intoxicated. When Liam saw him, he furrowed his brows and pulled the beer away from him Louis looked at him a bit frustrated.’’Hey.’’, he said and tried to grab it from him again.’’You’re sitting in front of your son, Louis.’’, he said sternly.’’Be a responsible parent don’t show him that you drink this stuff like a damn lemonade.’’.

 

Louis was about to open his mouth and say something, but then saw how his son hugged his teddy tighter, watching them both with big eyes.’’Baby…’’, he whispered and reached to hold his hand. Nicholas looked at the hand and then took it.’’Your son needs you.’’, Liam said and sighed, looking away.’’I’ll go grocery shopping now.’’. And then, he left.

 

 

When Nicholas went up to his room to play, Louis sighed and finally was able to take some alcohol with him. But this time, he pulled out the half-empty whiskey bottle. He took it with him to the living room and sat down on the couch. Drinking it slowly, but not too much of it because he knew he didn’t want Liam to find him completely drunk when he comes back, he watched the show and had tons of thoughts in his mind, which caused him to cry again.

 

Louis cried a lot these days. But who judges him? He just lost the love of his life…

 

He lied down more comfortably and stared at a picture on the wall, it was of the three of them. They were a perfect, small family. Louis’ eyes were glued to Harry’s face and he kept sobbing. He decided to take more sips of the whiskey, getting more drunk than he originally planned.

 

 

When Liam came home, he saw Louis just looking like a mess. He was cursing aggressively at a football game on tv. When Louis saw Liam, he looked over at him with furrowed brows and then sniffled. He was holding a small picture of Harry. Scared that if he lets go, Harry’s face would be gone in the picture, he held onto it more. He looked away from his friend and stared at the ground.

 

Liam walked over to Louis.’’Louis, stop this!’’, he said and grabbed the whiskey bottle.’’You drink whiskey too?’’, he asked and looked at Louis.’’Louis, you need to get help.’’.’’I don’t!’’, Louis shouted and tried to pull the bottle away from him.’’I’m fine, th-this helps me!’’, he slurred out and pushed Liam away when he didn’t give it back to him. Liam put it up in the air, knowing Louis wouldn’t even try to reach it then because he’s not as tall as Liam.

 

’‘Louis. You’re not listening to me. Your son needs your help. You can’t just be drunk all day!’’, he snapped and furrowed his brows. Louis slouched his shoulders and looked at his feet, tearing up again.’’I can’t help my own son…’’, he said and sniffled.’’I’m the worst dad…I can’t do anything right.’’. He suddenly hugged Liam.’’I-I don’t deserve y-you…’’. Thank you so much for being here, Louis thought. Liam sighed and hugged him back. Louis didn’t even trust himself.

 

Liam held his friend and rubbed his back.’’We all miss Harry. But you need to carry on…’’. Louis shook his head and held onto him even more now.’’I c-can’t…I need my Harry…’’, he whispered and looked at Liam with red eyes.

 

Nicholas walked in and Liam pointed at him.’’Look, your son is here. You guys should play together, yes?’’, he suggested and smiled warmly at them.’’I’ll clean up for you.’’. His teddy in one arm and two superhero figures in his other hand, Nicholas walked towards Louis. Louis looked at Nicholas and smiled softly.’’Hi, wanna play?’’, he asked, feeling himself get a bit soberer now.

 

And yes, Nicholas nodded. Louis put his arm around him and sat down in the living room with him. He smiled at him, wiping his own face. Nicholas put his teddy bear aside, patting its head and handing Louis one superhero.’’The strong superheroes are trying to fight the evil, evil…’’, he looked around and grabbed a ball.’’Superball! He rolls around the town and destroys everything!’’, he said in a dramatic voice. Louis smiled widely and just looked at his son, playing with him then.

 

Thankfully the evil super ball was defeated and the heroes had saved the city again. Louis smiled softly. His son loved superheroes. Sadly, Louis had lost all his belief in superheroes.

 

When they were done playing, he cupped Nicholas’ cheek and caressed the other, as Nicholas looked up at him with huge eyes, looking just like Harry. Louis pressed a kiss on his forehead.’’I love you…’’, Louis whispered. Nicholas smiled widely.’’I love you too, papa.’’, he said and hugged Louis tightly. He then looked at Louis.’’Papa, you need a bath.’’, he giggled.

 

Louis looked at him, feeling a bit embarrassed and chuckled.’’Right…I’m sorry. I stink. I’m really sorry.’’, he said and then stood up.’’I’ll go take a bath and then we can play in your room, yeah?’’. Nicholas got excited then and nodded quickly, then watched his father walk into the bathroom.

 

Louis took a bath, staring up at the ceiling. He went under water just to feel how it’s like to be drowning. All he realized was that he didn’t need the water. He gasped for air when he came up again. He was already drowning on his own.

 

He just went a bit under again so that the water would hit his chin only and he closed his eyes.

 

_Harry Harry Harry_ , that was all that was going on in his head.

 

He sighed and just tried to calm himself down, not realizing he was falling asleep.

 

Liam was getting worried for Louis when he knocked on the door and didn’t get a response. Louis has been in there for 20 minutes now. When he opened the door, he saw Louis nearly drowning. He gasped, running over to Louis and heaving him out of the water.’’Louis! Don’t do this, come on! You’re strong.’’, he tried to wake Louis up.

 

Nicholas heard a loud voice and ran up to the bathroom when he heard Liam shout. He gasped and teared up.’’What happened to papa?’’, he asked while Louis slowly opened his eyes. Louis saw Liam looking at him with worried eyes and he looked around.’’What happened?’’, Louis asked, completely confused. Did he fall asleep? He didn’t remember it…

 

’‘You were asleep in the bathtub!’’, he said. Nicholas started crying and ran towards his father.’’Papa!’’, he sniffled loudly. Louis quickly put a towel around his waist and cupped Nicholas’ cheeks.’’Don’t cry. I’m okay.’’. Except for the horrible headaches, he thought. He reassured him and looked at Liam with sad eyes.’’I promise. I did not try to do anything.’’, Louis said.

 

But inside, he kinda wished that Liam let him sleep longer though. He’s so damn tired.

 

Nicholas kept sobbing.’’D-Don’t leave me, papa.’’, he cried.’’D-Don’t go like m-mommy d-did.’’, he sniffled and buried his face in the crook of Louis’ neck, whimpering loudly. Louis looked up at Liam, then teared up at his son’s words. Louis hugged him tightly and kissed his head.’’Shh… no, I won’t leave you.’’, he said and sniffled.’’I promise…’’, he whispered and kissed his cheek.

 

They held onto each other until Louis carried his son up - and getting a hoodie and some shorts on the way, changing into them. Liam left them both alone and Louis went to his bedroom with Nicholas to cuddle with him.

 

’‘I-I forgot my teddy…’’, Nicholas whispered into the dark. Louis got up and sighed, scratching his neck.’’Where did you leave it?’’, he asked.’’M-my room…’’.

 

Quickly, Louis stood up and walked to his son’s room. He sighed. Normally, Harry would be sitting there right now and cleaning up the room. Biting his lip, he looked around. Where is the teddy bear?

 

He saw a drawing lying on the floor. He picked it up. It was a drawing that Nicholas must’ve finished in school. It showed a tall man with curly hair and a smaller one, with a hairstyle the same as Louis’. Louis pressed his lips into a straight line and stared at it.

 

Sometimes he didn’t understand how Nicholas coped so easily with Harry’s death. He cried a lot in the first weeks, yes. But when it comes to Louis… he cries still up until this day.

 

Louis put the drawing down again and finally found the teddy bear in a corner. Then, he walked back to his room then, lying down next to his son again. Speaking of which, he was already nearly asleep and held onto his dad. He closed his eyes.’’I love you, papa…’’, he whispered tiredly. Louis' heart was warming up and he smiled softly, kissing his head.’’I love you more, my sunshine…’’, he said, then bit his lip. After a while, he closed his eyes too and tried to sleep.

 

It was a dreamless night.

 

They both slept through the whole night. Louis woke up to a still sleeping Nicholas. He looked so much like his mother, Louis realized. He caressed his cheek and sat up quietly to not wake him up.

 

He was happy that Nicholas was on spring break so he could have him at home. At least he had one of his anchors with him.

 

But then Louis decided to shower his son’s face with kisses. Nicholas was giggling and tried to stop him, pushing him away with no success. Louis kept coming back and kissing his face. Smiling widely, Louis held him close.’’Hi, sunshine. Slept well?’’, he whispered and looked into his green Bambi eyes. Louis stared at his son and thought to himself, that’s my baby boy.

They snuggled while the small boy laughed and hugged him back. This reminded Louis of something.

 

_Louis looked down at the small bundle in his arms, which was trying to sleep. Little Nicholas was making cute sleepy noises while breathing out tiny puffs of air, his eyes closed. Louis admired his little face. He has such long eyelashes and his skin is so soft. He always thought that it’s a myth that babies’ skins are so tender and soft._

 

_When he looked up, he saw his other love. Harry, who was sitting on his side of the bed, his legs covered with a blanket. He was trying to stay awake. The last few days were tiring for him. The curly head smiled softly._

 

_‘’My two angels.’’, Louis whispered._

 

’‘Can we eat pancakes for breakfast, pa?’’.

 

Louis blinked and then looked at him for a moment. Those days seem so far away. But then he nodded.’’You’re such a big boy now, Nicholas.’’, he said softly and caressed his cheek. He kissed his son’s forehead and then sat up, feeling his head throb. Ugh, hangover?

 

‘’Let’s cook pancakes.’’, he said and smiled widely.

 

 

 

Louis looked at the freshly filled fridge, sending Liam a thank you note mentally. What would he do without him?

Then, they googled how to make pancakes.

 

’’Mommy used to draw funny faces on the pancakes with applesauce…’’, Nicholas said, holding his teddy bear in one arm. Louis’ face fell and he looked at the eggs in his hands.’’Yeah… I know, I know…’’, he whispered and pressed his lips into a line. He gathered all the stuff he needed and looked at his son.’’Do you want to do that too?’’, he asked and smiled a bit. Nicholas nodded and smiled.’’Yes!’’, he exclaimed and then Louis started making the pancakes.

 

Maybe he almost burnt them, but in the end, he saved the pancakes. Louis looked for the applesauce and after 5 minutes of searching, he found it and handed it to his son. Then, Nicholas drew cute little faces on them with it. He giggled and smiled. Just like mommy.

 

Louis just watched and stared at his son while he did what made him happy. Not realizing that there were tears rolling down his cheeks, he just stood there and appreciated this small moment with his son.

 

After a few minutes though, Nicholas looked up at his father and frowned when he saw his face.’’Papa, you’re crying..’’, he mumbled and Louis wiped his face quickly.’’Papa, please don’t cry…’’, he looked at his das with worried eyes. He handed Louis one pancake with a smiley on it. The eyes were X’s and the smile was a bit crooked but still happy. He smiled cutely up at his dad, his small dimples showing. Making his father happy was his favorite things.

 

Louis ate his pancakes, thinking about the times where Harry would still sit with them at the table. Can’t believe it used to be like that. It seems like ages ago, even though his passing was just 2 months ago. Still too fresh for Louis.

 

He smiled to himself, remembering his Hazza.

 

Harry was not a fan of sports, but he had still married Louis, a footballer. Louis would always watch the games on Friday nights while Harry sat next to him and was reading a book. He always looked so angelic with his beautiful curls hanging into his face, framing it like a beautiful painting.

 

_‘’Can you lower the volume a bit, please?’’, Harry asked softly and looked up from his book, one hand on his tummy._

 

_Louis frowned and stopped cheering to look at him.’’Okay…’’, he murmured and turned the volume down. He could feel Harry kiss his cheek and he smiled softly, looking into those beautiful green eyes. Louis kissed his lips and grinned._

 

_Harry went back to reading his book and smiled tiredly. He’s quite exhausted from work today. But the new quietness between them was calming him down. Harry loved this comfortable silence._

 

_’’I have an appointment in a few weeks… to check on our baby.’’, Harry said quietly after a while. He looked up.’’Do you happen to have a game on the 31st?’’, he asked, biting his lip. Oh, how he hates whenever Louis is busy._

 

_Louis only frowned a bit and nodded. He knew how much his games bothered Harry sometimes whenever they had something planned.’’But of course I can just not go to the game so I can come with you to the appointment.’’, Louis said and smiled, holding Harry’s hand. He kissed his cheek.’’I’ll call in sick or whatever. Don’t worry.’’._

 

_Harry looked back at him yawned.’’Kay, thanks love.’’, he continued to read his book then, trying to stay awake and be with Louis. Louis kept glancing at Harry’s small bump. He was so excited. After marrying him two years ago, they would finally have a baby now._

 

 

_After the game, he looked over at Harry, who had fallen asleep with the books in his hands. Louis smiled softly and stared at him. He turned the tv off and then carried him up, kissing his forehead and bringing him to bed. He took his shirt off before snuggling with him. While playing with his hair, he stared at his pretty Hazza._

 

_He should’ve cherished those moments more_ , he thought to himself.

 

Louis looked down at his plate, sighing and looking at Nicholas, who was eating his pancakes slowly. He looked up at his papa and smiled a bit. His curls are a mess this morning. They are beautiful anyways. Louis always loved people with curly hair. He bit his lip and reached out to brush out his curls with his fingers and then caressed his cheek.’’I’m really sorry for how I’ve been acting.’’.’’It’s okay, Papa.’’, Nicholas said, then ate up and brought his plates away.

 

Afterward, went back to his room. Louis just sighed and got up, taking care of the dishes, remembering the times when he used to dance around the kitchen with Harry.

 

_‘’Wow, you weren’t joking when you said you can’t dance.’’, Harry giggled after Louis had stepped onto his feet for the third time in the span of five minutes. Louis was blushing out of embarrassment.’’I’m really trying, okay?’’, he asked and looked down at his feet again._

 

_‘’Oh, I can see.’’._

 

_Maybe, but just maybe Louis stepped onto Harry’s feet several more times. But Harry didn’t care, because the feeling of swaying through their kitchen was erasing all the pain from Louis' feet stepping onto his._

 

_Harry never wanted it to end._

 

 

 

 

 

It always gets worse in the evening. Louis was looking at pictures of his Harry again and sniffled, wanting another beer can to ease the pain. He pressed his lips into a straight line and stared at Harry’s face on the picture. Then he stood up and grabbed a wine bottle because there was no beer left. He sighed and leaned against the counter, drinking straight from the bottle and starting to sob.

 

He walked back into the living room and chugged down some more of the wine, not noticing that Nicholas had also walked in. Louis sat down on his place on the couch and leaned back, watching the game while crying.

 

’’P-Papa, are you okay?’’, Nicholas’ soft voice appeared from his right. Looking up and seeing his son, Louis widened his eyes.’’Y-Yes… yes, I’m okay.’’, he said and then stared at the floor, biting his lip very hard. A thought came by. You could’ve saved him. He groaned loudly and threw pillows against the wall. Nicholas gasped and stepped away. Louis sobbed and looked down, mumbling something.’’Ple-Please stay in y-your room..’’. Nicholas frowned.’’But Papa-’’, he walked towards his father again

 

Louis was frustrated and grabbed Nicholas’ arm very firmly all of a sudden. Nicholas dropped his teddy out of shock and started crying. His father kept dragging him into his room, forcing him to stay in there and closed the door.

 

 

He ignored his son’s loud cries while walking back. While sobbing, he stared at Harry’s face again. His eyes fell on the teddy, who was literally staring back at him with judgment. Chugging down the wine, he continued trying to forget. He was too distracted by his own heartbreaking.

 

Eventually, he fell asleep though.

 

The next morning, he walked into his son’s room, trying to wake him up. But when he arrived, he saw that the boy was already awake. Louis walked towards him to wish him a good morning, but as soon as Nicholas saw his father, he flinched and tried to get away from him. Louis frowned and tried to reach for him.’’Love… I just wanna apologize for what happened yesterday.’’, Louis said and teared up.’’I don’t know why I did that. I’m really sorry…’’, he whispered and gave him his teddy bear back. Nicholas took it and hugged it tightly, looking at Louis with fearful, sad eyes.

 

Nicholas knew exactly why his papa did that. The ugly apple juice and the cherry lemonade. They always make papa yell or angry. He hates it.

 

Louis saw the slight bruises forming on his son’s arms and sniffled.’’I really am sorry… please forgive me.’’. He reached for his hand.’’I won’t do it again.’’, he promised.’’We can ask uncle Liam to buy ice cream?’’, Louis suggested and tried to smile, but Nicholas lowered his head and looked away.

Louis stared at Nicholas, who kept avoiding his gaze. He sighed and got up. Nicholas just held onto his teddy bear and sat there, sniffling and staring at his arm.Louis hated himself. He went to grab more alcohol to take away the pain. He knew it would turn into a disaster again, but he just needed it.

 

‘’ _Please come over, I can’t do this_.’’, he texted Liam.

 

He sat down on the floor next to the fridge, just drinking his beer. Liam sent a text where he was asking if Louis was okay. Louis just chugged the whole beer can and decided to leave him on seen. He sniffled and teared up again. What has his life become?

 

A **disaster**.

 

 

 

Liam rang the bell and Louis opened the door after a few minutes that passed for Liam like hours. He was always worried about Louis and his son nowadays.’’Are you okay?’’, he asked and looked at Louis. Blinking his eyes slowly, Louis shook his head and looked down.’’Nicholas hates me…’’, he said and started sobbing, covering his face in embarrassment and walked away towards the living room.

 

After Liam closed the door, he asked what had happened.’’He doesn’t hate you, I bet…’’, Liam said and bit his lip.’’Tell me what happened, hm?’’. Louis looked at his best friend, too shy to even answer. He will think he is a bad dad, right? He will take Nicholas from him… that’s what I deserve though, right?

 

‘’I-I didn’t mean to hurt him yesterday!’’, he opened up then and Liam furrowed his brows. He immediately walked up to Nicholas’ room.’’I didn’t mean to!’’, Louis shouted and followed him. But Liam was already standing in front of Nicholas and saw his bruises. Nicholas looked up, looking like a scared baby deer. Liam sighed and bent down to be on his level.’’You scared him to death.’’, Liam jumped to conclusions. He looked at Louis as soon as he joined them in the room. Nicholas looked up now too, staring at Louis with sad eyes.

 

Louis tried to reach for Nicholas again, this time to hug him. He frowned and looked at Liam.’’I’m so sorry…’’, he pouted and sat down next to them. He turned to look at Nicholas.’’Don’t hate me, please… I am so, so sorry…’’, he whispered and looked into his son’s eyes. Nicholas bit his lip, which was shaking a bit.’’I don’t hate you, papa…’’, he mumbled and looked at Louis softly, still holding his teddy close. He crawled a bit closer to Louis and sat down in his lap. Finally hugging him, Louis felt like a weight has been lifted off his whole body which was making him feel anxious this whole morning.

 

He sobbed and hugged his son tighter, burying his face in Nicholas’ curls and sniffled. He cupped his cheeks and kissed his forehead.’’I love you… I’m sorry…’’. Louis pulled away a bit to look at his green eyes. Those green eyes. They will always remind him of… him.

 

 

 

_It was the day where they finally became parents. Harry was sniffling and looking down at the tiny baby in his arms. The pain was all worth it. Louis kept wiping his eyes, feeling so proud of Harry and this small, sweet creature that was now theirs. Nicholas kept squirming in Harry’s arms and Louis smiled widely at his cute noises. He wiped the sweat off of Harry’s forehead._

 

_He cooed and teared up at the closer look at his son.’’He’s finally here…’’, Louis whispered and smiled, kissing Harry’s head softly. Harry looked up at Louis and then back at their baby too.’’This is our little Nicholas…’’, he said softly and kissed the baby’s small head._

 

_Louis saw Harry’s gorgeous smile. The smile that always seems to brighten up whatever room they are in. How can he look so pretty even though he is so exhausted?_

 

_Louis nodded quickly.’’He’s ours…’’, he said and grinned, kissing Harry’s cheek. He caressed little Nicholas’ cheek, who just continued to try and sleep. That made Louis chuckle. Their son is already as sleepy as Harry._

 

_‘’I love you so much…’’, Harry suddenly said and intertwined both their hands.’’Until my last breath.’’._

 

And he did.

 

 

 

_It was a Monday afternoon where Harry was trying to bring groceries home. Louis was at home, doing homework with Nicholas. But at the same time, a man got his heart broken and drowned his worries in too much alcohol. Which led to him not seeing Harry when his car came closer towards him. It was a loud crash that ended his life. Louis can still remember the call he received back then._

 

_‘’Is there Louis Tomlinson speaking?’’._

 

_‘’Yeah, this is me… if this is the school calling about Nicholas again, we are trying to improv-‚’._

 

_‘’No, this isn’t school. It’s police officer Mark Johnson speaking.’’, the police officer_ cut _him off. Louis swallowed hard, his heart literally skipping a beat.’’U-Um… is there anything wrong?’’. Harry isn’t home. Fuck. Harry._

 

_‘’We have found… we assume it’s your husband. His ID says Harry Tomlinson and you’re the first one of his emergence contacts follower by an Anne Cox and a Desmond Styles.’’._

 

‘ _’We’re sorry, Mr. Tomlinson. Your husband got hit by a car, the driver was probably intoxicated. He… your husband didn’t make it.’’._

 

_All that Harry thought about in his last seconds was Louis and their son. How Louis would be happy when he comes home again. Oh, how Louis would react to them cooking his favorite meal. How happy Nicholas would be seeing him after a long day of school. They were always in Harry’s mind. Even the little things made him the happiest._

 

_‘’Louis?’’, Harry had whispered while he lied on the floor. Then a lot of voices came towards him._

 

_But then it all went black._

 

Louis woke up. That day haunted him in his dreams every night. But he didn’t have Harry to cry to anymore. Now he was alone in his bed. He looked down and teared up. Harry still isn’t next to me, he thought. And the fact that he will never come back made his heartbreak again and again. And again.

 

He sniffled and reached over for Harry’s ring n the bedside table. They gave them to him after the funeral, one of the coworkers telling him that he could slip it off Harry’s finger. Louis shook his head, trying to forget that day where he saw Harry’s body so cold, so lifeless, so… bruised and hurt.

 

Louis kept staring at the ring and started crying even more. He kissed it, putting it away where it’s safe. He got up and started looking for Nicholas then. When he saw that he was still sleeping, he walked into the kitchen, taking a beer can. Ugh, always the same fucking beer. He needed something new.He bit his lip and looked around, sighing because he couldn’t find anything. He grabbed the beer can and sniffled, walking around the kitchen. He felt like a child waiting for their mother, but in this case, it was the love of his life.

 

Everything keeps reminding him of Harry. Everywhere you look, there is a memory of Harry. Harry’s cooking books, pictures of him, his aprons. Louis she and went back to the living room. He sat down and drank his beer, closing his eyes and thinking about Harry.

 

_‘’You know, maybe we should end this!’’, Harry said, walking away, the sand between his feet giving up and flowing with his feet as he walked away.’’I’m done playing the second part in every damn relationship! I wanna be the starring role just for once!’’._

 

_Louis furrowed his brows. All they did was talk about memories from their teenage years and maybe they somehow started talking about exes…_

 

_How could Harry be so jealous of his exes?_

 

_‘’End it? End what?’’, he asked and watched him stand there. He sighed and took steps forward.’’Haz, come on. I dated other people before I met you. But that doesn’t mean I still love them. It’s from the past!’’, he said and bit his lip, following him.’’You’re being ridiculous right now.’’.’'_ I'm _being ridiculous? Huh? Is this your_ fuc _-’’._

 

_Louis just rolled his eyes, not wanting Harry to turn even angrier. He walked towards him quickly and pressed his lips_ on _Harry’s, shutting him up. He cupped his cheeks and kissed him deeply. Harry could’ve pulled away and slapped him for interrupting him, but he didn’t. He kissed him back, not pulling away until Louis did it first. Harry looked into Louis’ eyes. They both grinned at each other, kissing again and not continuing to argue._

 

_Caressing Harry’s cheek, Louis stared back at him.’’You’re so lucky that I’m awfully in love with you, you wanker.’’, Harry said and pouted. Louis chuckled and held his hand, leading them back inside their bungalow. What a beautiful vacation they had in 2001._

 

_Eventually, Harry grabbed a pen and wrote Always You onto his shoe. And it stayed there._

 

Louis found that exact shoe as he stumbled through their hallway. He bit his lip, putting his fingers over the words, tearing up again. He pressed the shoe against his chest and just hugged it, starting to sob. _Oh Haz, I miss you so much…_

 

He whimpered and remembered Harry always wearing this shoe in college and he sniffled. He needs something to forget more. Staring at the wall, he quickly stood up and hoped Nicholas won’t see him like this. He’s such a mess. Must be embarrassing to call Louis his father.

 

Louis cleaned up his mess and then continued drinking to forget. Maybe he ended up being drunk again and it wasn’t even 11 am. Nicholas walked into the living room only to see Louis being asleep and Nicholas walked towards him. He frowned and poked his dad’s cheek.’’P-Papa?’’.

 

Eventually, he woke Louis up.’’Fucking- can’t you see that I’m trying to sleep?’’, he looked at him with furrows brows and pushed him a bit away.’’Let me be. Play with your stupid teddy bear.’’, he murmured and tried to go back to sleep again. Nicholas teared up.’’M-Mr. Teddy isn’t stupid…’’, he said and sniffled.’’T-That’s… y- you’re mean. S-Say sorry to him!’’, he said and held the teddy up in front of Louis’ face, frowning a lot. Louis was so done with this shit.

 

Nicholas kept on holding his teddy bear closer and Louis groaned, grabbing it from him and then throwing it into some corned behind him.’’I’m trying to fucking sleep! Can’t you see that?!’’, he looked at him with furrowed brows.

 

Tears started forming in Nicholas' eyes, then he started to sob. He ran to get his teddy, hugging it and whispering sweet nothings to it.’’Y-You’re m-mean!’’, he said loudly and ran to his room, crying loudly. But Louis simply didn’t care. All that matters is that he can sleep now and finally be with Harry in his dreams again…

 

 

 

Liam was the one who saved the situation - again. He came by, checking on Louis. When he saw Louis lying there on the couch with beer cans and tear stains on his cheek, he sighed and walked towards him.’’Louis, wake-’’, Liam heard Nicholas’ cries. Louis opened one eye. Liam let Louis wake up slowly and then he walked to Nicholas’ room. He frowned when he saw Nicholas cuddling his teddy while crying on his bed.’’Hey… buddy, what happened?’’, he asked and walked over to hug him.’’Did your father hurt you again?’’.

 

Nicholas sniffled.’’H-He called M-Mr. Teddy stupid a-and pushed me!’’, he cried and held onto his uncle. Liam frowned, looking down at the teddy.’’That’s mean! Mr. Teddy isn’t stupid, Nicholas.’’, he said in a calming voice. Nicholas nodded in agreement, hiding his face in the crook of Liam’s neck.

 

Liam walked over to Louis, Nicholas next to him.’’Louis, wake up.’’, he said sternly. Louis looked up sleepily and saw Liam standing there. He blinked and groaned.’’Shut the fuck up. I’m sleeping.’’, he said and felt his eyes slowly close again. But then, Liam pulled him up and made him stand on his own feet. Louis looked up at him, a bit of fear in his eyes.

 

’’Louis, your son is crying because of you. If you don’t show me that you’re a responsible parent, I will take him with me for tonight.’’, he said and looked at Louis angrily. Louis felt a lot soberer just from those words he heard. He shook his head and his lips wobbled stupidly.’’L-Liam… no…’’.’’P-Please don’t… y-you wouldn’t do that, r-…right?’’, he looked over at Nicholas then.’’D-Don’t you wanna stay with papa, hm?’’. Liam looked at him and raised a brow.’’Oh yeah? After you broke his heart again?’’, he asked loudly. Nicholas whimpered and sniffled, holding onto his teddy. He looked up at Louis with big, green eyes. Those big, green eyes that always seem to calm Louis down.

 

‘’Again?’’, Louis whispered and quoted Liam. He looked back at Nicholas again.’’Baby, love… don’t you want to stay here?’’, he asked while trying to reach for his son’s hands. He ended up being ignored. Nicholas went straight up to Liam. Louis teared up.’’N-no…’’.

 

Liam looked at Louis.’’You are a mess, Louis.’’, he said. Nicholas sniffled and wiped his eyes.’’Either you show me that you can take care of him and apologize to him now or he will come with me until you’re clear in your head again.’’.

 

‘’I can’t clear my fucking head without the love of my life with me!’’, Louis said loudly. He sighed and bent down to be on Nicholas’ eye level.’’Love… I’m not sure what I did to make your heartbreak. But please…’’, he whispered and looked into his eyes sadly and teared up even more.’’I love you, buddy…’’.

 

Nicholas sniffled and looked at Louis with big eyes. Liam sighed and looked down at them. Nicholas was still holding onto Liam’s hand. Speaking of, he carried Nicholas up then and tried to carry him outside. But Nicholas started crying even more then, watching Louis fall on his knees too and scream for his son to come back.’’P-Papa…’’, he sobbed and begged Liam to put him down again.

 

Liam didn’t want to. He really didn’t want to. But he did and watched how Nicholas ran over to his father and hugged him, trying to make him feel better. Louis sobbed and held onto him tightly.’’M-My Nicholas…’’, he choked out and kissed his head repeatedly. He felt Liam try to pull his son away again, but then he stood up.’’Liam, no!’’.

 

The room was silent for a few minutes.

 

‘’Do you wanna stay with your dad?’’, Liam asked Nicholas. The small boy looked at Louis with huge eyes and nodded, his lips wobbling. Louis hated himself that he even let it come this far. He could’ve lost his son already if Liam wasn’t this nice. Liam could’ve just taken him and never come back. Louis looked up and sniffled.’’I’m so, so sorry…’’, he whispered.

 

Liam looked down.’’This one last chance. But don’t you dare treat him badly again or I won’t be this nice next time around.’’, Liam said calmly, but sternly. Louis nodded and let his head hang down. He looked like an embarrassed child.Liam sighed and walked over to him.’’You need help, Louis. Really.’’.

 

Louis looked up at him and nodded. But then Nicholas pulled at his leg and wanted another hug. Louis leaned down to carry him up and sniffled, hugging him and just breathing normally again. He kissed his son’s cheek and then looked back at Liam.’’I’ll find help.’’.

 

’‘Promise.’'

 

 

 

Later that evening, Louis saw Nicholas sitting on his bed. His curls fell into his face. It reminded him so much of Harry. How he would just sit in a corner and read a book. He even did when they first met.

 

 

_‘’Hey, bookworm. You look kinda look like you need some company.’’, Louis said back then. He knew it was over when those beautiful green emerald eyes looked up at him and the dimples slowly formed small craters in Harry’s cheeks. And the rest was history._

 

Louis sat down in front of him.’’Nicholas?’’, he asked softly. Nicholas looked up. With a loud sigh, Louis sat down next to his son.’’I’m really, really sorry. I don’t know why I keep hurting you. You must know, I love you very, very much.’’, he wiped his son’s tears away. After a long pause, he continued.’’I’m your papa and I should be taking care of you and not hurt you. I’m so sorry, love. I really am.’’.

 

When Nicholas didn’t stop crying, Louis frowned. It was just like the first time where he had to take care of little crying baby Nicholas when Harry wasn’t home.

 

_The small baby kept crying in Louis’ arms, tears streaming down his little face. He was holding onto Louis’ pinky finger._

 

_Louis checked literally everything. His diaper, he had fed him, he burped him. But the little bud kept crying. He bit his lip and wondered what to do to calm him down. Dancing him around worked for a few minutes. He just let him play with his little finger._

 

_But Nicholas kept crying and cuddled closer to Louis. He sobbed and Louis didn’t know what to do. So he just started humming a melody to keep himself calm and focused on what he could do next. But before he realized it, Nicholas had stopped crying. When he looked down, the baby boy was just staring up at him with wet eyes and parted lips. Louis saw the tear stains and frowned a bit._

 

_Nicholas clutched more onto Louis’ finger and sniffled. Louis smiled softly and continued humming. He kissed his little cheek and smiled, cuddling him more and continuing to dance around and sing softly._

 

_He stared at his little face and bit his lip at the realization of how much he looks like Harry. The baby made a soft noise, gurgling and closing his eyes before falling asleep in Louis’ arms._

 

Louis was in the same situation now, where Nicholas was crying. He just hugged his son and hummed a sweet melody, trying to calm him down.

 

' _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away_ ’.

 

Louis bit his lip. He kissed Nicholas’ cheek when he was breathing steadier again. Then he smiled a bit at him.’’Do you want to wash teddy maybe?’’, he asked and raised his brows. Nicholas nodded.’’He needs a bath..’’, he mumbled and looked at his teddy.’’C-Can you say sorry to him? Y-You called him stupid…’’. Louis gasped. Why can’t he remember that?

 

‘’I called him stupid?’’, he asked and frowned. He sighed and took Mr. Teddy.’’I’m sorry, Mr. Teddy. You’re the smartest bear I’ve ever known! I’m the stupid one here.’’, he said and bit his lip, looking at Nicholas shyly.’’Am I forgiven?’’. Nicholas nodded quickly and smiled softly.’’Yes, you are.’’.

 

 

Louis brought the teddy bear to the bathroom and put him in the washing machine. And now they were just sitting on the floor in front of it. Louis could always hear Harry humming in the kitchen in the back of his head. Even now where he’s gone. It was like his voice was still captured in these rooms. But maybe it was just a hallucination that calmed Louis down.

 

He looked at Nicholas, who was watching the machine with a pout. Louis chuckled a bit put his arm around him.’’I can be your teddy bear.’’, he said and cuddled him, kissing his head. But he kept pouting.

 

‘’Why the pout, kiddo?’’, he asked and raised his brows. Nicholas sighed and fiddled with his fingers, looking down.’’I don’t like your stinky apple juice… it always makes you mean…’’, he mumbled.’’And the other lemonades make you sleep all the times…’’. Louis blinked and looked at him with sad eyes, biting his lip. He felt so bad.’’Buddy, I—’’, he stopped himself because he knew there was no excuse for why he is still drinking so much.’’I’m sorry.’’, he just said and pressed his lips into a fine line.

 

Nicholas sighed and looked up at his papa.’’When mommy went to heaven you promised you would take care of us.’’, he said.’’Can you take care of us and throw away the ugly juices?’’, he asked and sounded way too smart for his age. Sometimes Louis feels like his son is even smarter than himself.’’I’m so sorry. I promise… yeah, I promise.’’, he said, meaning it. He kissed his son’s hand and held it, smiling softly.’’Thank you, papa.’’, Nicholas whispered and cuddled Louis tightly.’’Now you’re my teddy bear. And I’ll make sure no one treats you bad or calls you stupid!’, he hugged him and smiled warmly. Louis teared up, his heartwarming and he held him tightly, watching the washing machine.

 

Sometimes - inside - he felt the same as the washing machine. Everything was going so fast, his mind was getting flooded. It felt like everything was just turning around and around and around…

 

All he needed was an off button for his thoughts.

 

When Louis realized his son had fallen asleep in his arms, he watched him with fond eyes. He reminds him so much of Harry. Then, he put the teddy somewhere where he could dry. Louis brought Nicholas to his bedroom and cuddled him until he fell asleep too.

 

 

 

Louis woke up, feeling a bit of pain on his chin and when he opened his eyes, it was Nicholas pulling at his beard hairs. He pulled Nicholas’ hand and the small boy giggled. Louis closed his eyes again and smiled.’’What were you doing…’’. It wasn’t really a question, he was just amused by how cute his son is.’’You have tiny hair on your chin. Like baby hair!’’, Nicholas explained and looked very impressed.’’And you’re comfy… like a pillow.’’, he said and put his head on his father’s chest. Louis chuckled and opened one eye.’’Like a comfy pillow, huh?’’, he asked and Nicholas nodded. He kissed his son’s head.

 

‘’Then let’s just cuddle more…’’, he said and smiled. He pressed his chin on his head and closed his eyes- Nicholas held onto him and smiled to himself. He loves his papa so much. Eventually, they fell back asleep since they both were tired from their fight earlier.

 

Louis went back to his and Harry’s wedding in his dream. It was a wonderful day - the best day of Louis’ life to be exact. Well, after the day he met Harry and Nicholas’ birth…

 

It’s hard to decide. To be honest, nearly every day that had to do with his Harry or their son was the best day of Louis’ life.

 

_Everyone was outside, listening to music after the actual wedding had happened. They had said ‘I do’ to each other just 10 minutes ago. It was crazy. Louis couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he was married to the love of his life now._

 

_When he looked to his right, Harry was smiling at him. Louis put his arm around Harry’s waist and grinned, getting up.’’Shall we dance?’’, he asked and kind of forced Harry up with his arm still around him. Harry giggled and nodded._

 

_Eventually, they started dancing. Louis chuckled and kissed Harry’s lips, holding him. Harry looked back at him and kiss him back.’’I love you so so much…’’, he said and held his hand. He stared at both their rings. Then he looked up at Louis._

 

_Louis looked around and was confused when everyone was gone and nothing was there anymore. When he looked back at Harry, he couldn’t believe his eyes. Harry’s face was full of scratches and blood… his whole body…. covered in blood. He was suddenly in his normal street wear and holding two grocery bags in his hands. Louis’ heart dropped right into his pants as his breathing sped up. He felt sick all of a sudden._

 

_‘’Why didn’t you protect me?’’._

 

_Harry's lips weren’t moving, but Louis heard his voice in every corner of his head. It felt too real to be a dream._

 

Louis woke up with sweat on his forehead, sitting straight up and looking shocked. Nicholas jumped a bit and woke up too.’’P-Papa, are you okay?’’, he asked worriedly. Louis looked at his son with wide eyes.’’It’s all my fucking fault!’’, he said and started sobbing, covering his face with his hands. Nicholas stared at his father confusedly.’’P-Papa?’’, he asked and teared up.’’Papa…’’, he put one hand on his father’s arm, but Louis just kept crying.

 

Nicholas didn’t know what to do. All he could do was try to soothe his father.

 

Louis kept crying, breathing unevenly. Is this a panic attack? Louis asked himself. Am I gonna die?

 

Then everything went black.

 

 

 

_He saw Harry sitting somewhere. On a bench?_

 

_Louis stumbled towards him and sat down in front of him.’’Louis? Is that you?’’, he heard Harry’s soft voice. Louis gasped and widened his eyes. Oh, how he missed that voice.’’Haz…’’ he teared up and covered his mouth in shock.’’It’s me…Louis.’’, he said and furrowed his brows.’’Are you really here?’’._

 

_Harry looked at him and took his hand, ignoring his question.’’Louis, you need to stop living like this.’’, he said and sighed.’’I know it hurts. I would be constantly hurting too if I was you and I would’ve lost you. But you need to do this without me... I wish I could be with you again, but I can’t’’._

 

_‘’I simply can’t.’’_

 

_Louis looked down at their hands and furrowed his brows.’’Who says you can’t?’’, he asked and looked up at him with teary eyes.’’Haz, I need you…’’, he whispered and frowned. He really tried not to cry.’’I miss you… this is all my fault.’’. Harry quickly shook his head._

 

_‘’Louis, this is not your fault. It was the fault of whoever drove that car that day… and didn’t look out for passengers.’’, he said soothingly and held his hand. He bit his lip.’’I just need you to take care of Nicholas. If you keep living like this, he will end up getting taken away from you. And I don’t want that to happen and you don’t want that too, right?’’._

 

_Louis nodded and sniffled, looking at him with glossy eyes.’’We made him out of love… we were supposed to show him the world together. But I can’t be with you anymore.’’, Harry bit his lip.’’Please, Louis… stop it with your alcohol. Please get a grip on your life. Do it for me, darling.’’._

 

_The blue-eyed man sniffled and caressed the green-eyed man’s cheek.’’I’ve been starting to think I can’t do this anymore.’’, he whispered and looked back at him, sobbing.’’I need you, Harry! I fucking need you!’’, he said, a bit louder and very frustrated. Harry looked at him with sad eyes.’’Louis, you would never forgive yourself if you would let our son be taken away. Some strangers would be taking care of our little boy then. We would never want that for our baby boy, right?’’, he looked into his husband’s eyes deeply._

 

_‘’I love you.’’, Harry said._

 

_‘’Please promise me to get help and take care of Nicholas. He’s the only opportunity for me to show you_ my _love.’’._

 

_Louis held his hand and sniffled, nodding. His vision was blurred from the tears.’’Okay…’’, he whispered.’’I promise… I miss you.’’, he said and held onto his hand tighter._

 

_’’I love you so so much, Harry.’’_

 

_Harry wiped Louis’ tears away and smiled softly.’’I love you, my Loubear.’’, he said softly._

 

_‘’We’ll meet again somewhere. Someday.’’_

 

 

Louis opened his eyes and saw a worried Liam and Nicholas standing in front of him.’’Papa, you didn’t wake up!’’, he said and held onto his teddy bear. Liam sighed.’’Are you… high?’’, Liam asked and looked at him with sad eyes.’’W-What? No! I-I saw Harry!’’, Louis exclaimed.’’You are, oh my god. Do you really want me to take Nicholas from you?’’, he asked sternly.’’How can you be so stupid?!’’. Nicholas looked at Liam angrily.

 

‘’No one calls papa stupid!’’, he protected Louis and stood in front of his father. Liam looked at them both with furrowed eyebrows.’’Shh, Nicholas… he’s right… I am stupid.’’, Louis mumbled, pitying himself. He looked away from Liam in shame.’’I’m sorry…’’. But Nicholas quickly shook his head.’’No, papa! You’re not stupid. You just miss mommy a lot. And I do too!’’, he said and hugged his teddy.’’But he’s right here, see?’’, he smiled and held the teddy bear closer to Louis.’’And he’s always…’’, he put his hand on Louis’ chest.’’..here. That’s what he always told me!’’.

 

He couldn’t help tearing up, Louis was a mess by now. He sobbed and hugged his son, holding him tightly and sniffled.’’I love you s-so so much…’’, he hiccuped and looked at Liam with big, red eyes. Liam watched them both.

 

Nicholas hugged his papa and handed him the teddy bear so he could hug him too. For a moment, it felt like he was hugging his Hazza. Louis caressed his son’s cheek and smiled with teary eyes.’’Papa loves you very much, yeah?’’, he reminded him and sniffled.’’I’m really sorry for breaking your little heart and doing bad things.’’.

 

‘’I promise to be better.’’.

 

 

 

A few weeks later, Louis was looking through the internet. He was searching for chats and groups for people who need help like he does. He thought about getting antidepressants so he can be more focused on Nicholas and feel better finally.

 

Next to him - while he was using his iPad - Nicholas was asleep. He reached to caress his curls. Then he continued looking at the inks and decided to join a group. Louis lied down and cuddled Nicholas, holding his phone in one hand, typing out his problems and sending it out. Then, he turned it off and put away his glasses to nap with his son.

 

When he woke up again after a few hours, his phone was exploding with notifications. He bit his lip and looked down at the still sleeping Nicholas. After planting a kiss on his head, he decided to read the messages.

 

Louis read through very supportive messages and a lot of tips. He teared up at some of them, saying stuff like Buddy, we’re here for you or You are so strong. One of them - his username was **_NH1993_** \- suggested for Louis to do something his son to reconnect with him. Something adventurous and vacation-like… out of their hometown. Louis bit his lip, reading that suggestion.

 

’’What should I do with my son, then?’’

 

Louis then looked over again at Nicholas, who snored cutely. His eyes fell onto the fuzzy teddy bear in his arm. He can still recall the day where Harry brought that cute little teddy home one day and Nicholas loved it ever since.

 

_Buzz_

 

**_‘’You should do a road trip with him! But first, you have to get better. By the way, I suffered from the loss of my husband earlier this year too. This group helped me a lot though. I hope we can help you too now, Lou. - N’’_ **

 

Louis frowned a bit at the reply so he decided to send that person a private message.

 

**_’‘You're so strong for moving on after your loss. I used to think I can’t even live like this anymore and should end it. Then, I did stupid shit which affected our son. But I wanna change now, so thank you for your_** encouragement ! ** _:)’’._**

 

Yes, this sounded like a good plan.

 

 

But oh, it was hard for Louis to not drink alcohol anymore. He would just see Harry’s face in pictures and start sniffling again, caressing the damn picture frame.

 

After a few weeks though, it got better. He was still craving alcohol sometimes but then he saw his son’s face and realized even more that he couldn’t go on like this. Not if he wanted to be a good father for Nicholas.

 

On a nice Sunday afternoon though, Louis was just sitting on the couch and deleting some old soccer game videos he had saved. He didn’t want to be reminded of that time. He used to love football, used to love playing in a team and winning. But he realized it had taken away a lot of time that he could’ve spent with Harry back then. And it caused a lot of fights between them. Harry always begged for more time with Louis… and now it was Louis’ turn to beg.

 

Suddenly, Nicholas entered the room.’’Papa, can we take a bath together?’’, he asked and Louis smiled softly.’’Of course, buddy!’’, he said and carried him up. Nicholas cheered and held onto his dad’s neck while walking into the bathroom. Louis put him down again and ran the bath.

 

‘’Papa, do we still have the rubber duck?’’, he asked and looked around, looking for it. Louis looked around and nodded, grabbing the yellow bath toy.’’Cause your mum wouldn’t let me throw it away because he knew you love it.’’, he said and then chuckled when Nicholas grabbed it quickly. The small boy gasped then.’’You wanted to throw Ducky away?’’, he asked and held the toy close.’’You can’t do that, pa!’’, he said and kissed the duck’s head.

 

’’N-no, he just kept reminding me not to lose it.’’, Louis defended himself and chuckled. What an accusation. Then, he got in the tub with his son, of course wearing bathing shorts. He smiled and grabbed his shampoo and body wash. Louis shampooed his son’s hair and massaged it.’’Should we cook breakfast after this?’’, he asked, curiously. Nicholas quickly nodded excitedly and smiled happily.

 

They bathed together and went to the kitchen, Louis decided to make pancakes again. Welp. Just because he doesn’t trust himself enough to make anything else. Nicholas asked to draw faces on them again while they were cooking and Louis smiled fondly, nodding.’’Of course, you can do that.’’.

 

Then, it was silent for a bit.

 

‘’Papa, when will we visit mama again?’’, Nicholas asked. Right. They haven’t been to Harry’s gave in a while. Louis bit his lip and looked down. He chewed on the insides of his cheeks and sighed.’’I’m not sure…we will soon though, I promise.’’, he said.

 

‘’Pinky promise?’’.

 

‘’Pinky promise.’’.

 

 

 

’‘Did you and mommy meet as kids?’’, Nicholas asked curiously while they were sitting together on the couch one evening. Louis turned to his son and watched him sipping on his hot chocolate.’’We both met at school. High school, to be exact’’, he said and smiled.’’But we went to the same primary school without knowing each other.’’.

 

Was it faith?

 

Yes, maybe. The gods above must’ve been trying so hard back then to bring them into each other’s lives. And when it didn’t work, they must’ve thought of a perfect plan to make Louis fall for Harry. Making Harry pee on his shoe, for example.

 

Louis smiled a bit to himself at the memories. Nicholas smiled too.’’So mommy was in love with you immediately?’’, he asked and widened his eyes.’’Did he wear a princess dress when you got married?’’. Then, he pouted.’’I wanna wear a princess dress too, like on Halloween!’’.

 

‘’He did, and you will too.’’, Louis said and smiled softly. Their son is so much like him.’’I wanna be there when you get married.’’, he said and held his son’s hand.’’Mommy will watch, too.’’. Nicholas frowned and looked at him.’’Mommy will always be with us, right?’’, he asked and Louis nodded, smiling sadly.

 

Always. What a big word.

 

 

 

While Louis was still getting better, Liam came over to his house. Sometimes they watched some home videos they made when Harry and Louis just got married.

‘’Oh, look. The last time you played this it stopped at Harry’s first ultrasound appointment.’’, Liam said and pointed at the tv.

 

Louis was filming Harry back then, who was happily watching the monitor and looking at Louis with sparkling eyes. The doctor had turned on the volume then and then they could hear their little baby’s heartbeat echoing through the room.

 

Tearing up, Louis looked at Harry’s face on their tv with big, loving eyes. He sobbed and wiped his face. Then, he smiled at the sound of baby Nicholas’ heartbeat. He almost forgot how tiny he used to be.

 

Liam pat Louis’ shoulder and they watched the videos together. They were all cute videos of mommy Harry, sleeping Harry, baby Nicholas and a lot of memories. Louis always recorded special moments, as if he knew he would be clinging onto these clips one day.

 

Eventually, Liam turned off the tv when the clips ended and he hugged Louis. Louis sniffled and hugged him back. As they pulled away from each other, he looked at Liam.’’I decided to join a group. They’re helping me with my problems… a lot.’’. Liam smiled widely.’’That’s great, Louis! You’re getting help.’’, he smiled widely and hugged him again.’’I knew you could do it… I’m proud of you.’’. Yes, yes he really was.

 

Louis smiled a bit and looked down.’’Thank you…’’, he said and looked back at him again.’’Just really don’t want Nicholas to think badly of me or… be taken away from me.’’. Liam looked at him.’’And I promise you, Louis. As long as you get help and let them help you, you will be able to keep him.’’, he said reassuringly.’’You can always call me if you need me.’’.

 

 

And that night, in his dream, Harry was back. Louis was still with him. He held Harry’s hand and they just started dancing _._

 

_Louis smiled widely and looked up at him. He stared at his gorgeous face and held his husband’s hand tightly. He smiled softly and caressed his cheek. Harry stared back into Louis’ eyes and smiled back._

 

_They were dancing through their house, no music. But somehow, they were in the same rhythm. He could hear Harry giggle and was able to feel his skin against his again. It felt so real._

 

 

When Louis woke up from that dream, he actually didn’t feel like crying after dreaming about Harry. For the first time in what felt like forever.

 

 

 

So when Louis felt ready, he planned a road trip for him and his son.

 

He researched for hours, looking after nice places to stay at. His route was still quite open, but they wouldn’t have money to visit over 3 countries anyways. When he kept thinking, three places popped into his mind. Three places that he needed to visit.

 

 

And then, one evening they were sitting in the car. Louis put his seatbelt on and looked at his son.’’You excited, love?’’, he asked. Nicholas nodded.’’Are we going on vacation?’’, he asked with wide eyes. Louis chuckled and nodded.’’That’s what a road trip is, love. Yes’’, he said and started driving.’’Sounds cool!’’, he heard from the backseat.

 

’’Where are we going first?’’.

 

‘’Well, you’ll see.’’.

 

At first, Louis drove to the place where it all started. Doncaster, his hometown. If his mum wasn’t gone too, he would stay at her place. But they had sold the house after Harry and Louis decided to move into another part of England.

 

He drove close to the airport and they will fly to the first place tomorrow. But for now, they were staying at a motel there for the night. The flight was going very early, so Louis thought that would be a good plan.

 

They got out of the car and Louis smiled at his son.’’This is where I grew up.’’, he said and they walked towards the motel.’’Your mom did, too. His family moved here from Holmes Chapel when he was still a baby.’’, Louis told Nicholas, who was listening with an interested look on his face. Louis loved that look, it reminded him of how curious and interested he used to be as a child himself.

 

‘’You met mommy here?’’, he asked and looked a bit confused. Louis laughed then and explained, that they didn’t meet at the motel. But it was always cute how quickly Nicholas got confused over things.

 

 

So now they were sitting in their room and Nicholas was playing with his teddy bear.

 

After a while, he looked up at his dad. Louis was currently texting Niall.’’Papa, I just wanted to say…’’. He looked up from his phone after he heard his son’s voice speaking.’’I’m really happy you don’t drink the yucky apple juice anymore.’’, Nicholas said with a small smile. Louis smiled widely.’’Thank you, love, I appreciate it.’’, he said softly.’’In the end, I did it for both me and you. But mostly for you.’’.

 

He got up and carried his son up to hug him and kiss his head. Nicholas squealed loudly and giggled.

 

 

 

‘’Did mommy and you have a nice life before I came?’’, Nicholas asked the next morning while they were lying in bed, still cuddling before they would have to get ready.

’’Did you fly on airplanes too like we will?’’.

Sometimes Louis really asked himself how their boy is so cute and so smart. Probably Harry’s genes.

 

’’Our lives were nice, yes. But they became even better when we knew you are on the way.’’, Louis said and smiled.’’But yeah, we had our fun.’’, he said, nodding to himself and holding him tighter. Nicholas nodded and smiled.’’Mommy didn’t deserve to go… he would’ve had lots of fun with us!’’, Nicholas said. Louis sighed and nodded again in agreement.

 

 

’’Can I tell you a secret, papa?’’.

 

‘’What is it, lovebug?’’.

 

‘’Sometimes I imagine that mommy is still alive.’’.

 

Louis’ heart warmed up and he bit his lip. Yeah. Maybe he should do that too.

 

 

They flew to Malibu the next day. It was Nicholas’ first flight ever and the poor boy was so excited to fly… just to end up falling asleep after half an hour of being in the air. Louis was holding the teddy bear for his son because Nicholas accidentally dropped it and wasn’t able to grip onto it in his sleep now. So Louis was holding the teddy and cuddling it absentmindedly, while some cute love movie was playing on the small tv screen right in front of him.

 

 

Louis woke his son up when they had arrived.

 

And wow, Malibu was wonderful. He had completely forgotten what it looked like. And he even found the same house Harry and him were staying at a few years ago.

 

He drove there with a rented car, Nicholas staring outside the window excitedly during the whole ride. And when they were finally at the house, Louis walked inside and smiling with teary eyes.

 

It still looks the same.

 

He brought all the stuff in later on and checked the rooms. Louis smiled and watched Nicholas happily jumping on the beds. He chuckled and eventually, even joined him.

 

 

The days in Malibu were nice. He remembers many things, many memories of Harry flowing through his mind. And every time a butterfly flew by, he felt like it was Harry checking on them.

 

Because when he went to Paris with Nicholas, the same-looking butterfly kept appearing. And it sounded weird, but that made Louis feel safe. It’s only a butterfly, but it gave him a good feeling.

 

He turned around to see Nicholas feeding some ducks. Louis chuckled a bit and walked over to him.’’I don’t think you’re supposed to feed the ducks, love.’’, he whispered and Nicholas looked up at him with wide eyes. Louis giggled.

 

’’Uh oh…’’.

 

But then, Nicholas just walked over to Louis and took his hand.

 

’’I just thought the ducks might be hungry.’’, he said and pouted.’’Well, not with so much white bread.’’, Louis said and smiled. They went to a shop to buy actual bird food and went to a park to feed some other birds.

 

Louis watched his son with love eyes. Nicholas was staring at the birds with big eyes and fed them. Smiling, Louis kissed his son’s face.

 

Then, Louis looked around a bit. Some couples were walking through the streets, looking all happy and in love. He missed being like that too.

 

His son took his hand then. With the other hand, he was petting a bird carefully. It actually didn’t even flinch. It made a happy sound and Nicholas gasped.’’It likes me!’’, he said happily. Louis laughed a bit and nodded.’’Yes, it does.’’.

 

 

‘’Isn’t it beautiful here?’’, Louis asked his son when they were standing on their balcony together that evening and staring at the city of Paris at night.’’Very pretty…’’, Nicholas said sleepily, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

 

Louis chuckled.’’You tired, buddy?’’, he asked and Nicholas nodded. He yawned and Louis carried him up. He was still quite frail, so Louis didn’t care how tall his son was getting. As long as he could still carry him, he loved doing it.

 

He tucked his son into bed and kissed his forehead.

 

After a while, he lied down next to him too and closed his eyes, thinking about old times.

 

 

_‘’Isn’t it beautiful here?’’, Harry asked as they watched the city from above. Both of them standing on the Eiffel tower. Louis smiled and nodded, pulling Harry close. He was hugging him from behind and burying his nose in Harry’s hair._

 

_This felt like a lifetime full of happiness was just ahead of them._

 

 

 

They flew to a wonderful place then.

 

Rome -the place where Louis and Harry had their honeymoon.

 

He was walking through the streets after dropping off their stuff in the hotel. Nicholas was looking at all the pretty buildings surrounding them. Louis was currently on the mission to find the place where he ate most of the time with Harry when they were in Rome.

 

Holding his son’s hand tighter, he smiled.’’Your mother and I had our honeymoon here.’’, he said.’’H-Honeymoon?’’, Nicholas looked confused.’’What’s that? You eat honey here?’’, he asked and looked around. Louis laughed and shook his hand, still laughing a bit.’’No, it’s to celebrate after getting married.’’, he said and chuckled.’’Though your mom loved honey.’’.

 

Also, a nice place to have tons of sex, but Nicholas didn’t have to know that this place was actually the place where they might’ve made him on one beautiful summer night.

 

Louis felt successful when he found the restaurant and smiled widely to himself.

 

’’I love honey too!’’, Nicholas said happily.’’Mommy and I are so alike!’’. Louis nodded and looked down at him.’’Oh, yes… you two are very much alike.’’, he said fondly.’’You also look alike.’’.

 

They sat down at a table and Nicholas giggled.’’I think mommy is very pretty!’’, he said and smiled widely.’’I know… that also means you are very pretty.’’, he said and chuckled. Nicholas blushed and smiled then.

 

 

 

 

Louis and his son spent a nice last weekend in Italy.

 

But they flew back home then, after missing their home kinda. They drove back to London when they arrived back in Doncaster. Yet, before driving to their home, Louis stopped somewhere.

 

They bought nice, pretty flowers. It was time to finally visit Harry’s graveyard again. And this time, they were not sad. They were smiling and lying down the flowers on the grave. Nicholas was trying to also put the tiny baby teddy bear they had bought in Rome on Harry’s grave.

 

Louis stood behind him and they both sat down on the ground then. He gave his son a soft look. They both looked at the gravestone. Nicholas started.

 

‘’Hi, mummy. Papa and I still miss you… but we had lots of fun. I can tell you some fun stories now because Papa took me to your favorite places!’’. Nicholas smiled softly and looked at the stone.

Harry Edward Styles, it said. The name of his beloved mummy.

 

‘’I love you, mummy.’’.

 

Louis teared up a bit at his son’s word and smiled sadly. He put his hand on the tombstone.’’Hi, Hazza… how’ve you been?’’, he asked and sniffled.’’I miss you… but Nicholas already said that.’’. He sighed and looked at Nicholas. Then, he put his arm around his son.

 

‘’We did a road trip, love. To get reconnected and have some fun… even though that’s hard without you. But I know you would want us to have fun and not be sad all day and stay inside. So I went to show our son the most important places for us.’’, he bit his lip.’’I hope you’re also having fun up there… reading your favorite book and laughing about it even though you can quote it in your sleep.’’.

 

Nicholas smiled and looked at the stone, stroking it gently and then taking his papa’s hand again. They stood up and said goodbye to Harry, telling him they would come by again next week.

 

And eventually, Louis was strong enough to live without his Harry. He started believing in superheroes again and couldn’t wait to turn into one and protect his loved ones as soon as he isn’t on this earth anymore.

 

But he wasn’t scared to die one day, because he knew he would be back in his lover’s arms then. Eventually watching their son down there, doing all the fun stuff they used to do.

 

 

_fin_.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys, i know i haven't posted since January i'm sorry  
>  i just wanted to send a sign that i'm still alive and yes i will definitely write more fics in the future.
> 
> sorry if there are any grammar mistakes or mispellings. i read over this a lot to make sure its perfect but its hard to make sure there are zero mistakes. 
> 
> (the title is from 5sos' song 'Ghost of You'. I wrote this story with my friend shai, hi if you're reading this and it is kinda inspired by the story of the game 'Captain Spirit'.)
> 
> i wrote this with my friend shai, hi if you're reading this


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